The Beauties & the Beast Tour the Middle East
Show #2 - 8/24 - Camp Buehring, Kuwait
Ok, we got to play today! I highly recommend the machine gun simulator range, if you ever get the chance...........basically it’s kinda like playing Halo, but you’re shooting either an M-16, M-4, or the Squad Assault Rifle (SAW). They actually shoot lasers, but the report & kick as though it was firing live rounds. When the bad guys show up on the sand dune, fire away. too cool!
The show went well.....took the audience (800 strong) a bit to get into it, but that’s understandable since most of them at this base will be in fighting Iraq in the next few days. But, once they got into it, they loved it. We had another autograph session for about an hour. One soldier (maybe 20 yrs old) proudly showed where on his rifle butt he will tape his signed picture of Laura..to keep him company in Iraq.......very humbling....makes me cry a little.
This is truly a moving, rewarding, incredible experience.
Tomorrow we have a show at a base known as LSA, also in Kuwait.
Show #1 - 8/23 - Camp Arifjan, Kuwait
It was our first show, and it was a blast! We were told to expect a somber, quiet crowd....maybe it would’ve been quiet if we hadn’t been so damn funny! They ate it up. All 700 of them. The Beauties kept them rolling along, and then I finished ‘em off! What fun! After, at the autograph session, we were told how much funnier we were than the Daily Show Tour which preceded us featuring Rob Riggle (Daily Show) and Horatio Sans (SNL)!
About 700 were in the audience. We signed autographs after for an hour and a half!
Tomorrow we’re off to Camp Buehring, Kuwait....we’re gonna go shoot machine guns on the rifle range, and then another show. Stay tuned..........
Laura Rosenberg
Christina Lopez
Jen Dziura
Chris Freeman
Show #3 - 8/25 - Camp L.S.A., Kuwait
Slept in till almost noon today, and then off to LSA (Life Support Area). The temperature was about 130 degrees when we got there, but that’s normal...wow!
It was another quality show! Smaller venue and smaller audience, two or three hundred. Again, they needed time to warm up. At Camp LSA, most soldiers are either on their way to R&R from Iraq, or going back to Iraq from R&R, so moods vary quite a lot. They really enjoyed the show, though, and we signed stuff again after.
Two soldiers, Blake & Andrew (maybe 22yrs), came back and asked us to autograph their guitars, and then played two very cool original songs.
This trip is amazing!
More tomorrow......
Sunset at Arifjan
Buehring Commander’s Call
The Beauties at the firing range
Ready, OK! Go LSA!
Show #4 - 8/26 - Camp Virginia, Kuwait
What a great day! We toured around the base in hum-v’s checking out several different barracks......tried on all the kevlar, helmets, and gas masks......took the hummers off-roading a little....and then had our best show yet in front of at least 500!
The vast majority of the audience was in a great mood since their going home to the states tomorrow, and we brought the funny in hard!
One of the soldiers, Mr. East Waco (his rapper name), opened for us. He was good too! I brought him up at the end of the show also and the Beauties danced around him like a bunch of video vamps....much to the delight of the crowd. It was really a great show!
As well as feeling the gratification of entertaining people who badly need it, we have been treated like visiting royalty. At the various Commander’s Calls we’ve received certificates of appreciation, and have also been presented with Commander’s Coins (quite an honor in the military world) from Camp Arifjan, Camp L.S.A., and the U.S. Marine Central Command.
Those who have been tasked with dealing with us have been nothing short of fantastic. Our security escorts, Steve, Vance, & Mike, our driver Broady, our sound tech Sam, and our on-base handlers Sergeants Herrera, Riley, and Blaine have been just the coolest. And, a special thanks to Staff Sergeants Geeston, Valentine, and Plaza who took us on the 2 1/2 hour hum-v tour and presented us with honorary sergeant‘s stripes even though they each had the day off! Too cool.
I must also thank Marine Chief Warrant Officer Gunner Honeywood, our Armed Forces Entertainment liason. He is absolutely one of the coolest! He gave us all official Marine Corps Caps as well as presenting us with the Marine Central Command coins. Simply put, Gunner is totally The Man!
Tomorrow we have our last show in Kuwait. A base called KNB. It’s actually on the Persian Gulf, and we’ve been told to expect a kick-ass gun boat ride! Really.....this doesn’t suck.
Commander’s Coins
Heads
Tails
Gunner
Show #5 - 8/27 - Camp Patriot, Kuwait Naval Base (KNB)
Ok, just when you start to acclimate to 130 degree temperatures, you go to the Navel Base....right on the water....now it’s 130 with 50% humidity! I mean, holy crap, that’s ridiculous! Give me the dry heat every time.
We were able to move past it, and go out on the Gulf for a rollicking gun-boat adventure! These are fairly new boats.....jets, not propellers, and, WOW! We were taking 35 degree banked turns at full speed with huge walls of sea water rooster-tailing all over the place. It was like having our own personal roller coaster driver...awesome! It took a bit to get my legs back under me on land, but well worth it.
From the boat ride, we moved on to a far more somber experience.....the Wall of Death.
When Sadam invaded Kuwait in the first Gulf War, he went strait to Kuwait Navel Base and took it over. After doing so, the Iraqi troops proceeded to line the Kuwaitis up by the dozens against a wall on a lovely beach. And then opened machine-gun fire.
The pictures speak for themselves.
On a lighter note, our show began at 7pm as always.
It was a smaller venue, 2 or 3 hundred on a sticky night and I was soaked 5 minutes into my set. Good show, though, containing the single funniest moment of the tour.
This is a Kuwaiti Base, and the Americans occupy a small segment in the center. So, there’s a mosque on base. And in the middle of Laura’s set......the call to prayer came braying over a loudspeaker! After a few seconds, she acknowledged the distraction and asked if it was appropriate to continue. It was, and she did....but the wailing is not easily ignored. She told a few more jokes, and then shared that, during her set at L.S.A., a septic truck was pumping out the latrine directly behind the audience leaving her literally performing for shit.....and, she wasn’t sure which was more awkward...especially as a Jew!
I laughed so hard I almost knocked my own chair over backward!
Happily, I got that set on tape, and will be posting it here shortly.
Well, that was our final show in Kuwait. Tomorrow (Tuesday), we have to ourselves. Which, for safety reasons, means we will hang out in the hotel till we fly to Bahrain in the wee hours of morning.
More updates Wednesday.
Show #6 - 8/28 - Al Udeid Air Base, Qatar
So today was our first experience flying military air lines. We met in the hotel lobby at 3 a.m., and left for the military side of the Kuwait City Airport. We had a fight at 7:30 a.m.. We got to the airport at about 4:45 to discover that our plane (a C-130 cargo monster) had landed at 3:30, dropped 4 passengers (making room for us), and then promptly took off again for Qatar at 4:04. Ok, now we’re stuck.
So it was back to Camp Arifjan for food & naps while our coordinators worked to garner a new flight. Around 11 we were told that we had space on a flight at 3 pm & we headed back to the airfield.
We shared the VIP lounge with Colonel Trogdon, who was on his way home to his family. We’d been chatting for about 5 minutes when he chose to show his appreciation for our visit to the region by presenting us with our fourth Commander’s Coin. Thank you colonel, we were all quite moved.
As if that wasn’t enough reason to have missed our first flight, our actual flight turned out to be just the four of us on an Air Force Lear jet! Way cool!
We got to Al Udedid Air Base in time to go through customs, check into our on-base living quarters, grab a quick bite, and make it to an 8:00 show right about 8:40. I walked into the theater and pretty much headed straight for the mic, & started the show about 15 seconds after entering the room.
The show was great! We’ve found a line-up that works very nicely, I started by blaming the military air lines for our delay, and they were on our side instantly. Each of us had strong sets (Jen, Laura, Christina, then me), and they gave us our first standing ovation!
This was a particularly rewarding evening. We were staying on-base for the first time, which meant that we could hang out with the troops after the meet & greet as long as we liked. As it turns out, that was till about 4am. Oh yeah, and Qatar is not a dry country like Kuwait, so we all got a little loose!
Show #7 - 8/29 - As Sayliyah, Qatar
We awoke this morning (some of us a little hung over), packed our things, and hopped inthe bus that would take us to our next base, As Sayliyah. However, the Qatari soldiers who were working the gate didn’t recognize our ID’s, so we sat there for two and a half hours while they screwed around. By the time we actually left, there was such a contingent of US & Qatari soldiers we could’ve had a pick-up game.
Eventually we made it to the base, had our Commander’s Call, got some food & naps, and headed for the show.
This is an R&R base, so most of the troops are on leave from duty in Iraq. It made for an odd crowd. Half were a great audience. 25 percent were paying attention but enjoying quietly.....and then there were some assholes. Christina pretty much out them in their places, though.
There were three guys sitting right down front on stage right who were determined not to have any fun. Odd for guys on R&R, but they sat with judgmental frowns basically daring someone to make them laugh.
I thought about confronting them, but my set at the time was rolling with the rest of the crowd. So, I made a mental note & promised myself not to leave the stage till those weasels laughed, dammit.
They tried to resist it, but “Sean Connery doing voice over for Porno” was too much for ‘em and they lost it. Victory for Chris!
After, we had our meet & greet, and then hung out with the guys again till the wee hours.
That was our final show in Qatar. Now on to Djibouti, Africa., the hottest inhabited place on Earth....no, really.
Stay tuned.......
Beverly Cafe
Djibouti
On board the C1-30
FA-18 Hornet
9am Crowd
On the Getysberg
Gettysberg
Gettysberg Show
The Enterprise from my helicopter
Us w/ Brian Scott, & J-LO
Show #8 - 9/1 - Djibouti, Africa
We flew into Djibouti on the 31st on a C-130 cargo plane. It wasn’t as bad as we were led to expect. It was loud, but there was plenty of room to stretch out & lay down, so my long legs were very happy. None of us really got any sleep the night before, so it was naps on the flight for all. Christina & Laura were invited into the cock-pit for a bit & said that was pretty cool.
We landed around 5pm, were shown to our tents, got some food, & hit the sack.
The following morning it was into the town of Djibouti to take on the street vendors! Wow......if you’ve ever shopped in Tijuana, you have a slight idea of how aggressive the sellers are. We did quite well, and came away with a bunch of cool stuff.
Then to lunch at the Beverly Cafe, a quaint little sort of French place where we sat for over an hour waiting for our food. Christina figured that was because they were bringing the food from France itself. Once it arrived it was quite good, though.
So, onto the pool at the Hotel Kempinski. A peculiar place. Djibouti is a very poor nation with no natural resources, so to have a 7 star hotel seems weird. But, we hung out at the swim-up bar & laid in the sun for a couple of hours with our new friends & handlers Dan & Smitty. It was lovely.
8:30 rolled around and it was show time. A partially tough crowd. this base is all about helping Djibouti help itself. They’re primarily drilling wells and building schools, so most of these guys are not in combat, and not as in need of distraction. They were rolling by the end, though, and we received a lovely response at the meet & greet after. Punctuated by the presentation of another very cool coin depicting the Horn of Africa from the very cool Air Force First Sergeant Scott Bowermaster. Thank you, brother.
After, as we did the night before, we hung out in the cantina, played darts against the Marines, and went to a screaming secret after party karaoke free-for-all.........felt like I was in an episode of MASH. The girls put in appearances & went to bed. I stayed till around 4am and made new friends. Cheers to Kale, Joe Cruz, and Lee Butt. Thanks for a great night fellas!
Now, it’s almost 4pm on 9/2. Our 3pm flight to Bahrain has been moved back to 6am tomorrow, so we’re trying to beat the heat in the cafe on base. We’re being delayed by weather, so there’s a chance our 6am flight won’t go. If that’s the case, it’s possible we may be stuck in Djibouti till Friday! Yikes! We’ll just wait & see. Oh yeah.....they weren’t lying about the hottest place on Earth. It’s probably 130 today....with humidity and a rather fierce hot wind. Damn! Africa, baby!
More from Bahrain soon, hopefully. Stay tuned....
Shows # 9, 10, 11 - Ships at Sea & Bahrain
So, we finally left Djibouti early on Sept. 3rd. A C-130 flew us from Djibouti to Bahrain, and, after 5 days of living on-base in Qatar & Djibouti, we were ready for a bit of hotel life again.
We met our liason at the airport, and he took us to the Ramee International Hotel. We checked in, went to our rooms, and unpacked. 15 minutes later we were told to pack up, check out, & get to the airport. Kind of a drag....until we found out we were on our way to the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier! Ok, that’s something that not everybody gets to do, and it’s quite a thrill! The Enterprise is the largest carrier ever, and the oldest nuclear powered ship in the world. We landed in a C-2 greyhound on the deck via the tail-hook & cable which means that we decelerated from 105 to 0 mph in 2 seconds! No exaggeration........TWO SECONDS! WOW!
We landed around 3pm and had a show scheduled at 7:30. At 6 we joined the ship’s department heads for dinner in the officer’s ward room. They had us all seated at separate tables, so the first thing I did was apologize to the gentlemen with whom I was sitting for not being one of the pretty girls.
Then it was on to show #9. Our venue was the hanger bay...easily the coolest surroundings to date. Several hundred sailors sitting on the floor & standing amongst fighter jets & radar planes....awesome. However, it was probably 100 degrees with little ventilation. Whew! As I said during the show, I was sweating like a poodle at Michael Vick’s house. Never drenched a shirt that much even playing basketball. But it was a really good show, and we signed autographs for over an hour at the ice cream social that followed on one of the mess decks. The admiral himself was scooping out the goodies while a band was playing cool R&B. Pretty cool, man.
It was a this point that I became a kid in a candy store....we had the run of the ship! Up to the flight deck to watch the FA-18 hornets launch & land....hanging out in the control tower with the Air Boss (Reiner Shoaf), quite a comedian in his own right, and Wayne, the “Mini Boss”, and video taping everything!
The next morning at 9am we had show #10, for anyone who was on duty during the first show. It was early, and the show was in a mess hall, but it was very well received, and we all did good.
Then off to show #11 on the USS Gettysberg. That meant helicopter rides! Too much fun!
The Gettysberg is a Cruiser class ship that basically protects the carrier, and they never get any entertainment. It was, by far, our best show! The audience was ripe, and every set totally killed! Pure fun! Then, a tour of the ship (thank you Lauren), and back on the helicopter to the Enterprise. Now it was playtime!
The girls hit the sack around 10, but I decided not to waste any of this unique opportunity and went to every launch & recovery cycle either right on the flight deck, or in the tower with the Air Boss. Photographing & video taping everything in sight. The last recovery of the night was at 1:15 am!
Special thanks to Lt. Jarred Loller (J-Lo) of the Screwtops Squadron for acting as my personal tour guide, and for hooking all of us up with some very cool schwag (squadron hats & shirts). Also, a special thanks to Screwtops Squadron Commander Morris for honoring all of us with the presentation of his commander’s coin. Thank you, Terry.
Next morning (9/5), we walked the flight deck with the crew, and went to the Air Boss’ pre-launch briefing. Then Laura & I got to sit in the Center Line hatch and watch fighter jets launch with their wings literally going directly over our heads! Pardon my French, but, HOLY SHIT THAT WAS COOL!
I have to hand it to the Navy....they treated us like total VIP’s. From housing us in state rooms in the Hall of Heros, to lavishing us with gifts from both ships, giving us a tour of the ordinance magazines, to just letting us do anything we wanted. We were treated unbelievably well! Definitely the coolest leg of our journey from my perspective.
Thanks so much to the crews of the Enterprise & Gettysberg, and to Captains Horton & McQuilkin, respectively. Go Navy!
We left the Enterprise at 2:30pm on the 5th. We were catapulted off the deck in our C-2...this time accelerating from 0-128 mph in 3 seconds! Magic Mountain ain’t got nothing on that!
Upon arrival back in Bahrain, we checked back into the Ramee, and went straight to the base for show #11, our final show of the tour.
It started a bit slow, but picked up to speed fairly quickly. It was a bit anti climactic after the rollicking show on the Gettysberg, but they dug it. After, we went out on the town with the pilots who flew us back & forth from Bahrain to Enterprise and had a blast. Thanks fellas.
On the 6th, we went shopping in Bahrain courtesy of Mike, one of the afore-mentioned C-2 pilots, who spent the whole day hanging out & showing us a bit of Bahrain. Too much fun. Thank you, brother.
As I write this, it’s almost 7:30 pm on the 6th, and we fly back to the States in about 6 hours. The whirlwind tour comes to a close.
My eyes are welling up as I reflect upon this remarkable journey. I think about all the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines we’ve met & befriended...how much appreciation they showed us...the moments we shared after hours...the boys going into Iraq & Afganistan to fight with pictures of the girls to keep them company & give them hope, and it’s making me weep.
These are remarkable people excelling in a shitty situation and I just want them all to come home safe....and soon.
I will carry this experience with me the rest of my days.
Peace.
